crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
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[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
? 💀
Cashiers are always checking me out
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants