A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
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One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Personal question. #JustSaying
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it