[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
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“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
every. time.