*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
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I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Potatoes were such a good idea
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911