take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
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I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.