3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
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The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?