My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
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“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.