Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
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i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…