Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
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Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
When your man makes a valid point
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet