Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
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[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?