WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
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Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
smh
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”