[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
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Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Running from your problems is cardio .
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Sniffing the broccoli
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?