gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
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Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
how it started vs how it ended
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted