Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
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Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.