Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
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LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.