Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
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Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in