I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
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A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
There is no “ea” in Tim.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Y’all ready for this