never forget
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If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.