Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
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Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Alexa; make it look like an accident
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I needed a laugh this morning.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Happy Halloween 🎃
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.