Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
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Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.