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When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
There is no “we” in pizza
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.