~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
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*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Happy thanksgiving
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.