[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
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[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
The “baby” on the left….
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
they should invent a hydrating liquor
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
*watches the world burn*
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.