Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
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Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.