Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
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The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
back to work
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.