Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
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If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude