I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
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Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
dude it’s called proctologist
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone