Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
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All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
A little too much information.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Mountain Goat : )
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.