I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
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Bros before Ohioes
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Clients after you give them your rates
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”