My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
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Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Rich people don’t understand cereal
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.