Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
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Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.