Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
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“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Taking phone security to the next level.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
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