They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
You Might Also Like
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
cats when you pet them too long: