My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
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*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.