Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
You Might Also Like
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”