i will not be silenced
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Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Not😆🤣
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Need WebMD
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.