Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
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I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application