Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
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I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.