Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
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Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it