The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
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inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Gods work.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.