[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
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Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet