[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
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mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
I got bills
They’re multiplying
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
My birthstone is a marshmallow
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
What the hell happened in there??
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..