My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
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Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go