[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
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Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I wish this was real life…
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
…..pretty much.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”