I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
You Might Also Like
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Going into Monday like
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Banana is the quietest snack
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?