Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
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You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged