CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
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If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
only 11 steps left
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
This is what makes twitter great
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
How all things should be taught/explained.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?