The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
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What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.