I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
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(Jupiter –
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Are you a cat person or a person person?
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO