*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
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I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”